Wednesday Night's Television

As we have had two exams in a row and there is no exam today a few of us decided to spend the evening in front of Satan's Microwave. After Supper we watched Coronation Street and after that there was nothing of any particular interest so as Soap addicts we watched the 10th Annual British Soap Awards and as staunch Royalists we switched over to BBC2 during the commercials to watch snippets of City Salute with Princes William and Harry. I was rather looking forward to the second of these options as I am very proud of the British Armed Forces and our Sovereign, however, instead of feeling intense joy and pride I felt intense shame and anger. It was clearly part of the Socialist plot to reduce the Royal Family to nothing more that good telly. The idea was to raise awareness of the Military Campaigns we are bravely fighting at the moment, whether or not we agree with them we must still support our brave boys. It was held outside St Paul's Cathedral and the parade ground was marked out by members of the Queen's Guard dressed as Cavaliers and Roundheads - the Roundheads were traitors to the Crown! The Princes who have just been made Officers of the RAF (William) and Blues and Royals (Harry, who has also seen action) were made to stand in the crown wearing city suits and House ties rather than on a podium, in uniform receiving salutes from their regiments. The compere was Jeremy Clarkson and a few Military Bands were called out to perform popular ditties like performing seals. I felt so sorry for the Princes, Her Royal Majesty and the British Forces and ashamed to be British!

However, BBC1 made up for it with last night's episode of The Apprentice, which showed the losing team to be unbelievably thick when it comes to basic undersatnding of religion. The apprentices went to Marrakesh in order to carry out a task of haggling for ten specific items and spending less than the other team. One of these items was a Kosher chicken. The losing team went to a Muslim butcher and asked him to bless a chicken in order to make it Kosher, not speaking the local language they used signs, the sign for 'bless' being the sign of the cross. A local customer who spoke English tried to tell them that it was Halal, not Kosher but they were having none of it. So the customer said the butcher attends mosque, the butcher pointed upward and repeated 'Allah' and so the deal was done. Back in the boardroom 'Suralan' pointed out that in his CV one of the apprentices had called himself 'a good Jewish boy'. 'Suralan' being a real good Jewish boy asked if this is true why he didn't know what Kosher meant, the apprentice backed down admitting he was half Jewish and non-practicing. Vanessa Feltz, a good Jewish girl, later commented that if your mother is Jewish you are Jewish, there is no such thing as a half Jew. Turning to another apprentice who was 36 that day 'Suralan' asked how she had never known what Kosher meant, she replied that she didn't know what it actually meant and was dependent on the other guy's Jewish roots. In actual fact she had claimed to have perfect understanding of the term and didn't know he had Jewish rots before they entered the boardroom. 'Suralan' sent them out of the room to discuss who should be fired with his aides. One of the aides turned to the other and said, 'I'm Catholic, you're Protestant and we know what Kosher means. He's supposed to have a Classics degree from Edinburgh.' To which she replied, 'Edinburgh isn't what it used to be.' The best line in the entire programme had to be when 'Suralan' turned to the good Jewish boy and said, 'So you went to a Muslim butcher for a Kosher chicken, why didn't you go the whole hog and get a Roman Catholic Priest to hear his confession?'